Adriana Alfaro

“You’re stupid,” Mario said sarcastically.
“Yeah, I’m stupid,” I replied between my laughter.

Smoke floated around us as we lounged on the vintage sofas. Angeloni’s Club Madrid became an instant classic the moment I walked through those velvety curtains for the first time. Orange and red hues danced in my peripheral. An ’80s mixtape jived my body almost uncontrollably.

Beforehand, I spent the evening walking the boardwalk. The harsh wind reminded me that summer was finally over.

I’d been in my apartment with the curtains drawn for most of August. The heat was suffocating. Working two jobs was wearing me down. The endless rumination about my near future was getting to me.

Is this a quarter-life crisis? I’ve asked myself a hundred times over. I snapped back at the thought: “Quarter-life crises don’t exist.” If there’s a good time to be stupid, it’s now. I picked the cherries from my Black Manhattan and savored them, my head leaning back.

A sweet gratitude washed over me. Maybe I’ve been taking everything for granted. As humans, we tend to hold on tightly to moments, people, places, and things. It’s an illusion to believe any of these are meant to last forever. Some of us are unaware of how this plays a part in our own suffering.

I’ve spent years coming to terms with this, but it hasn’t gotten any easier. “Am I supposed to do this for the rest of my life?” I ask the heavens. Somewhere, a voice inside me responds: “Yes, but that’s the beauty of it.”

Nowadays, I soothe myself mindlessly by wandering through dive bars and dance floors. You can find me in space between the past and present: under the pier during the blue hour, in the back room playing pool, or walking home alone at night. I kiss strangers while someone else is on my mind. I ask the universe to send me the answer in a dream.

In the morning, the ocean will coddle me, reminding me that soon, I’ll also have to go back to where I came from.

When the harsh reality begins to rise in your throat, will you be able to steady yourself over the toilet?

You have no choice.
How stupid is that.